a series of unfortunate events, or: the tragedy of the refrigerator

(Disclaimer: Dialogue heavily edited for amusement value. There was a lot more swearing, a lot less coherency, and I didn't really call Allyson a wench.)

Let me tell you of the events -- the DIRE EVENTS -- that unfolded this last Fourth of July.

I regret most deeply having not had the opportunity to tell you of this sooner, but I have had to wrestle with the dread beast SLEEP and attend to the DEFROSTING of the UNHOLY SPINACH.

Let it first be known that we had some of Allyson's coworkers over for a party involving exotic meats such as caribou, ostrich and elk. This
went well. And then we watched the fireworks of Kirkland, Bellevue and Redmond from our balcony, and this, too, went well.

And then everyone else left, and Allyson and I began to get ready for bed. So I went to get a glass of water. Such a small, simple thing, a glass of water -- yet it can lead to a man's downfall.

It was with the best of intentions that I opened the refrigerator door, thus intending to obtain the cold-Brita-filtered water within. Yet when I did so, a glass casserole dish that Allyson had just put in the fridge (rather precariously, because the firdge is overfull with food intended for an SCA event banquet this weekend) FELL OUT and DASHED itself upon the bottom shelf of the fridge, SHATTERING into FIVE HORRIBLE PIECES of such EXQUISITE SHARPNESS that one could, indeed, concievably cut one's self upon them.

And these HIDEOUSLY, VICIOUSLY JAGGED SHARDS did fall even further, and yea, one glanced fleetingly upon my foot, leading me to say: "Ow."

The others smashed to the floor and divided themselves further, into a million glittering splinters.

And thus I said, "God damn it, why didst thou not ensure that thy foodstuffs were properly balanced within yon fridge?"

And Allyson spake unto me, "Ist thou unharmed?"

Thus I said "Yea, but yon Tomatoes and Lettuce are now rendered useless by your folly. Bring unto me yon broom and dustpan, wench, and begone with thee, for there are many sharp objects here which may impale thy feet."

And thus Allyson fetched the Broom and Dustpan, and turned on the Lights. And there was Light.

And Allyson looked upon the Light, and said, "That's a hell of a lot of blood."

And I looked down, and lo, there was blood EVERYWHERE!

A veritable TORRENT, SPURTING FORTH from the main joint of my BIG TOE, upon which a shard of glass had briefly touched, and then gone the way of all material things. Such a quantity of blood was there that I did feel my knees become weak, and my head become dizzy, and I said unto
Allyson:

"Well, fuck."

And thus did Allyson tell me to Sit, and ignoring my DIVINE COMMANDMENT to Not Come Any Closer Lest She Step On Broken Glass, she did make use
of her extensive first aid training to stainch the blood with paper towels and sterilze gauze, then competently tape the vicious wound upon
my toe.

The GUSH of my PRECIOUS BODILY FLUIDS thus staunched, she went back to bed at my behest, and I set about the task of sweeping up the broken
glass and bits of tomato and lettuce leaf and other sundry casualties of this APOCALYPSE of BURGER TOPPINGS.

Then I got a glass splinter in my foot.

Here endeth the lesson.