and i know it's over.

[kespernorth]

Very suddenly, with little warning, Selena and I broke up.

She confessed to me, yesterday, that she had realized that she would be compromising too much of herself if she moved to Seattle to be with me, or indeed if she stayed in one place for too long. Her dream, her great dream, has always been to travel around, helping and teaching people, wandering the world.

And my dream is to write in Seattle, surrounded and inspired by it. And to have a home. And maybe one day get involved in politics here and try to make a difference that way, to fight against the slowly increasing bureaucratic opression and censorship I'[ve been seeing.

So I had a choice: either leave my home and follow her, and throwing my dream to the winds, or to live in Seattle and wait for her to decide to come and visit me.

I couldn't abandon my dream. And I couldn't live with my lover half a world away, waiting for her to fit me in when it was convenient.

And Selena realized this. We both did. And so we are... no longer together.

Our last words to one another in our most recent conversation were "I love you." We ended this not because we don't love each other -- we love each other just as much as we did that first fateful-beautiful weekend -- but we both find ourselves unable to give up our dreams for one another... and Selena and I don't think I can cope with sitting at home waiting for her. It wouldn't be fair.

We're still friends. Hopefully we always will be. We intend to keep in touch. We'll probably see each other again some day.

I... I'm not very well right now. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I thought I was going to get to. And now I['m not, and I don't, and I feel like part of me has been ripped out and stomped on.

I... I don't really feel like saying anything else right now, except this, which is for Selena:

Go, love. Go and follow your dreams, wherever they may take you, with my blessing. My thoughts and love go with you.

Comments

[kinfae.livejournal.com]

Hey.

Bored last night, and reading LJ posts, I just wanted you to know.

I still think you're a good person.
Amazing writer, good person.

But, I'm still glad we broke apart. The things that I wanted, that I absolutely hunger for...didn't appeal to you. To summarize in a sentence... You wanted elegant nights, while I wanted the sticky fingers of a child on my face.

I'm happy with what I have, but I thought you still might like to know that I don't think badly of you.

[kespernorth.livejournal.com]

Thank you very, very much.

The hardest part was thinking that you hated me, and not quite understanding why.

And I am glad too. You're right, we wanted completely different things, different lives. (Though I think you might have been suprised at how well I could deal with sticky fingers -- I swear I'm not as relentlessly stuck-up as I probably seemed.)

It's worked out for the best. The end of our relationship threw me out of complacency and into graduate school, and I now hope to start a company that will change the face of journalism -- and if I'm successful, make an impact on the world.

I admit I was blind to what you wanted, or at least thought I could tempt you, convince you that you wanted an elegant life once you saw it was possible. I'm sorry for that. I learned from it.

And I'm happy with what I have, too -- it took me a long time to realize what was right in front of me, and we both needed time to heal our wounds... but Allyson is wonderful, and we go well together. Our hopes and dreams are much more aligned than yours and mine were, blind as I was to that. She shares your boundless passion and dreamer's nature -- I could never love someone who lacked those things -- but has the love of elegance needed to make our lives compatible, and the love of technology to understand mine. Our dreams are compatible; yours and mine were not.

Yes, it worked out for the best. It hurt, but gods know I learned from it. And I'm very happy with where I've ended up.

And I think you're a good person, too. I have always admired your courage and devotion to what you believe is right.

I wish you well, Selena, you and your family. I was saddened to hear that you'll have to leave them soon for Korea. I hope your time there passes quickly and that you'll not have to be parted from them again.

Thank you for this, once again. It was a gift.