life goes on

I'm doing better.

Went to the career transition service that has a contract with F5 for its laid-off employees. They do things like help you rework your resume, target your job search, and that sort of thing. The guy who runs it is also a psychologist; I'm talking to him about other career directions I'm interested in pursuing aside from trying to get another software engineering job.

The other people who got laid off from F5 -- mostly members of my dev team -- are having a potluck/BBQ next Tuesday; I'm definitely going to go for that. We need to have a post-mortem, a funeral for our jobs.

My parents have been very supportive.

I'm largely out of the horrendous black paralysis of self-doubt and self-examination that followed the weekend's events, and getting on with things.

It's still going to be another struggle. Just when my life was finally getting back on track, all this went down. And now the stock market is tanking out again and no one is going to be hiring for quite a while. I hope to gods I don't have to go back to the service industry. To say that I was poorly psychologically suited to working in that deli is a distinct understatement.

I'm scared about the future. Scared that I won't find another job; scared that it won't last, like this one didn't, scared that I'll hate it. I'm scared about the directions America is taking.

We all have a lot to fear.

non-stop violence

Last night, as I was walking from the Aurafice to the Mercury, I saw a group of six or seven beefy young Aryan-posterchild jock-types hooting and hollering and behaving like the presentient simians we all know them to be. But the words

"Yeah, the way you jumped on that guy's cab was rad! Way to show the towelheads who's boss!"

were just infinitely saddening.

Now I'll admit that I've been sheltered from virtually any trace of racism and prejudice throughout my entire life -- I went to a high-class school where everyone was taught to care and share and get along; I went to an expensive liberal arts college back east; I got my degree in hippie-laden Bellingham; I live in Seattle, which is not exactly known as a hotbed of racial tension (provided you're not a black person on Mercer Island). I often just forget it exists, since the people I spend all of my time with are much too liberal to even consider voicing such things.

But it wasn't just the racism; it was how obviously undeserved it was. These kids had clearly never felt the touch of terrorism on their lives, whether from Islamic extremists or the fucking Basque Separatist Movement. They were just feeding their testosterone highs with some mindless aggression. And instead of using normal, healthy outlets of youthful exuberance and high spirits (like sputching Covenant in Halo or writing poetry and slitting their wrists), they were harrassing some poor taxi driver who probably just wanted to go home.

I can see why someone who had lost a loved one or their home or livelihood to a terrorist attack would feel that irrational, race-based hatred. But rich young white kids in Seattle have no fucking excuse.

And those kids are going to grow up to be marketroids and salesweasels and all-star quarterbacks, and maybe a few lawyers as well. Powerful people. People who matter.

And they're going to show the towelheads who's boss. And everyone else who looks different and might have something to hide.

Fucking humans.