bad juju.

Ross, Steph and I went out on the town last night. When we arrived to pick Steph up, she wasn't quite ready yet. She assured us that she could be ready in ten minutes. We told her to be quick, knowing that Steph can take truly epic amounts of time to get ready to go out, and chatted with caliban and played with Cher the Cat while we waited. Somewhere in there I found a Transmetropolitan trade paperback I hadn't read yet, and I was quickly absorbed, leading to the line:

"You can slow down, Steph! I have Transmet!"

So then it was off to Minnie's for dinner, where tensions rose as my personality and dating problems were picked apart by Ross and Steph, leaving me feeling uncertain and quivery. I'm used to it with Steph; personality hacking was one of our favorite hobbies when we were dating, so she knows how to do it without upsetting me. Ross, though, wasn't as gentle, and so I left Minnie's a bit down.

Steph and I decided that after that, we needed a drink, and so we dragged Ross to the Bad Juju, where Steph (who has less than half my body mass and a very rapid metabolism) drank just as much as I did. Which was a fair bit. Amusement ensued. We became the first customers the bartender at the Juju had ever had who ordered Tokyo Teas and did not get thrown out.

We spent an hour sitting on some bleachers in a nearby park, and eventually I dropped them off at Steph's place and went home.

All and all, it was a good evening, though I'm beginning to feel like I'm incapable of having a functional relationship with anyone, since apparently I'm so in need of stability and incapable of compromise and so forth, and seem to be attracted mostly to women who also refuse to compromise, and are terrified of intimacy and stability to boot. I don't think I'm incapable of compromise -- I feel like I've compromised quite a bit, and have always been willing to discuss these things -- but for once Steph and Selena seem to be in agreement, and I thought it'd be a cold day in Hell before I ever saw that happen... I don't know.

doing one's best

I've done my best.

I've done my best to love, and be kind, and do the right thing. Because that's how I want to live my life. I've done my best to help, not to hurt. To encourage hope and beauty in the world, not destroy it.

But apparently my best isn't good enough.

I've had it thrown in my face, over and over again this last week, just how not good enough my best really is.

And apparently I've caused a great deal of pain in one I cared about, despite my best efforts. So much so that she's going dark. Losing hope. No longer caring about her dreams. Blocking off all emotion, so she can just survive. Apparently I've done so many things wrong... and never even known it. I wish so badly that I could do something, but it's too late, there's nothing I can do. Or so she says.

I'm not sure if I can live with knowing that.