doing one's best

[kespernorth]

I've done my best.

I've done my best to love, and be kind, and do the right thing. Because that's how I want to live my life. I've done my best to help, not to hurt. To encourage hope and beauty in the world, not destroy it.

But apparently my best isn't good enough.

I've had it thrown in my face, over and over again this last week, just how not good enough my best really is.

And apparently I've caused a great deal of pain in one I cared about, despite my best efforts. So much so that she's going dark. Losing hope. No longer caring about her dreams. Blocking off all emotion, so she can just survive. Apparently I've done so many things wrong... and never even known it. I wish so badly that I could do something, but it's too late, there's nothing I can do. Or so she says.

I'm not sure if I can live with knowing that.

Comments

[omystars.livejournal.com]

if your best isn't good enough for someone, it's no one's fault but their own. it is NOT - i repeat, NOT - yours.

[wendolen.livejournal.com]

Seems like you gave her something so precious she didn't know what to do with it.

It sucks, doesn't it? :( *hugs*

[hirtzenocker.livejournal.com]

you can live, and you will. you two love each other enough that between you both, you will figure out how to live, how to fit around each others' lives and dreams and needs. it seems impossible now, and probably shall for some time yet, but i have faith in you. it will happen.

[01flux.livejournal.com]

Grr.

There's nothing wrong with YOU. NOTHING NOTHIN NOTHING.

You can't control or be responsible for her actions nor reactions, you are only in control of your own.

So don't feel responsible, as much as you want to, OK?

[punkrockgrrrl.livejournal.com]

Seems to me, if she felt so many things were wrong and never said anything, then she has some responsibility for it.

It sounds like you are the whipping boy, not an actual cause.

[kespernorth.livejournal.com]

All right. Not all emotion. But you said you *were* giving up hope, and giving up on love and a lot of other things. That's just as bad, IMO.

And you asked me never to let that happen.

[skiterlady.livejournal.com]

I'm quite certain that you can live.

And the longer you do so, the more clarity you'll have and the less true what you wrote here will look to you. What you've written doesn't look true to me, it looks like heartbreak and bad feelings from a relationship that wasn't meant to be. I've been there, baby. I wrote stuff like that too - it's part of the journey to get from being not-okay to being okay again.

Perhaps it's time to focus less on whether you've "caused" certain actions or reactions in the person you care about, and focus more on yourself, your will to live, and the life you choose to lead.

[chemicallace]

I don't know if you get E-mail comments or not, so you may never see this... I've been going back reading some people's journals and thinking...

Eerie similar situations... I'm on the tail end of this sort of feeling right now, but I do my best to make things better in the only way I can. It would be so much easier to do the right thing if you could be told what it was instead of having to guess and then find out you've done something hideously wrong. In the end, at least you can know you did your best and tried and cared and did what you thought was the right thing... or perhaps I'm hanging on to silly and childish ideas.

Sorry if this brings up things you didn't want to think about right now... I just felt moved to write for a moment and reflect and I'm not sure if I was coherent at all.