kespernorth | rant: matchmaking

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rant: matchmaking

Ever since I was 16 or so, I've kind of unintentionally played matchmaker for my friends. I don't know what it is or how it happens, but I've occasionally happened to bring two friends of mine together, have them hit it off really well in that special way, and they end up having a nice relationship for a while. No permanent relationships so far, but that could change.

And sometimes I engineer these situations, in a blinding flash of intuition such as occasionally strikes me. Like as not, the male half of the equation is a close friend of mine, and the female is someone who I wouldn't mind dating myself, but for whatever reason she's just not interested in me.

(Scratch that: the reason has always been the fact that I am not skinny. Every single damn time, in point of fact; I am not skinny, and I am not dark-haired, and thus I Make A Great Friend. Feh!)

Such as it was when I was driving

reality_deviant back to Bellingham, and

vanquishedart called me on my celphone, and I had one of those little flashes of insight, and handed Amanda the phone. Result? A few weeks later, Amanda and Josh started dating. I'm happy for them, they've been through hard times and could use a break, and I know that Josh is a stand-up guy, unlike some of the skeezebags Amanda has dated. And no, Chris, I don't mean you, so don't look so offended.

But you know what? I could use a change in luck, too. There are times when I wish someone would play matchmaker for me, for once. There are times when I wish I wouldn't always lose women's attentions to someone thinner and darker-haired.

Which has happened nearly every time.

I'm tired of it.

Women are not immediately attracted to my looks, not by a long damn shot. I've never, to my knowledge, been the one being stared at from across the room and drooled over. I accept this. The only things I have to attract the opposite sex with are my heart and mind, and those might actually be worth something, you know! Hello! Ring, ring, it's the clue phone!

It'd be nice to be appreciated. It'd be nice to have someone be attracted to me more than those damn skinny boys. But it happens only once in a great while, and I always lose them to a skinny boy in the end. Because there are a lot of single, skinny boys out there. A lot of them are probably just as nice and caring and kind and intelligent and romantic as I am... and, since they are guys, they are a hell of a lot more desperate than the surrounding female population.

And I can't even fucking blame you girls. I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't prefer some willowy fey creature to someone merely human if I had the choice. But you know what? Some of us are able to look past features that are too heavy, a bit of a paunch around the middle, and big bones, and see your finer qualities... and the contents of your heart. It'd be nice if more of you could do the same for us. I'll never be a skinny bishounen with romantic flowing locks, but that doesn't mean you should immediately write me off as "too ugly". Condescend to date the fat kid for once, won't you? You might be suprised how rewarding it is.

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*In televangelist type of voice and mood* Can I get an Amen my brother's and sistah's.

LOL,.....O.K. sorry about that. I just had to say it,.......and you know,.....the same goes for the gay comunity also,. It seems that the only Ppl who want to date me, Is 40 or 50 somethings, who, Just ,.......I'm sorry and i don't mean to be ageist, But Ewwwww.

It's all about guy's with Pec's and a six pack,.....and never mind the person standing in the corner, who can offer a really great relationshiop,...........and not treat you like just another one night stand,.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!, O.K. am better now,.........either way, all I'm saying is,......I know how you feel.

*hugz*,....................~M~

Blah. I have thought you were hot since late 1997.

Before that you resembled a growing german shepard- bug paws all splayed and wiggly in the middle.

But now, yes, you are certainly the humpable sort.

Not, of course, like *my* opinion would count for squat here...

Unfortunately, since late 1997 we've been too far apart to do anything about that. :P

Do remember that I invited you to come visit over a year ago.

I do! But I didn't have the money then. :/

Oh, like my invitations have an expiration date.

Ok, at some point, you and I must have coffee somehow. Damnit, I command this!

It will happen. California isn't *that* far.

*sputter*

*chokes on coffee*

that's the funniest thing i've read all morning. because yes, i agree with you, from the pictures i've seen of bjorn before late 1997... well, they weren't really at all like i imagined bjorn to look at all and i was rather confused and bemused by the entire world of online romance and appearance and such. and then the great bjorn australian transformation occurred and he settled into himself and certainly did become most emminently humpable.

and bjorn.. it might sound like little consolation right now, but it's true that not all girls are into the skinny types. i'm certainly not, though i do seem to end up with them somehow. i prefer men whose hipbones don't dig into me in that painful way when we fuck. there's something valuable to be said for that. ;)

*chuckles* I'd rather have you think that than 99.9% of the women out there, anyway. :)

(and)

It never ceases to amaze me how much those three months in Australia completely changed my whole life and attitude and self-image and everything.

My recent trip to Europe wasn't quite as immediately and obviously earthshaking, but did me just as much good in many ways.

Some people spend years in therapy. It seems all I have to do is go to another continent for a while. Cheaper, less time-consuming, and more fun!

...Maybe I should write my own self help book! Steph and I were talking about that yesterday...

some of us human girls out there actually prefer the meaty fellas to the skinny dear-god-I'd-break-them sort.

jus' sayin' - they do exist :)

You know, Sally's been trying to set you up with her friend for WEEKS now.

But her friend is all the way up in Bellingham. Unless somebody actually puts us in touch, not much is gonna happen. Matchmaking doesn't work very well if the parties in question don't get to interact...!

I don't mind too much that women pass me over for my looks. I'm just sick of listening to them list the traits they want in a guy, omitting "skinny," "athletic" and so forth. I mean fuck, if you want it, say so. Cut these bullshit pretenses of being deep enough to look beyond physical appearance when your actions constantly display your real priorities.

So, where do I enter into this argument, dear Bjornses? Granted, you made a concession towards the 'fluffy' femmes in the world. But not many women out there are actually walking around in bodies more suited to the male population as far as build goes. So THBTBTBT! (Hee!)

And as for what appeals to me in a man? Big. Blue. Furry. Yes, I like a fantasy. Lalala, this is me not giving a fig. ;)

Lonesomeness is a bitch, but if you're with the wrong person, it's even more so. You and I both know this. Sit tight, li'l guy. Someone's out there holding your dance card.

~Max
The chick who can get away with calling you 'li'l guy'.

Even dead clowns can be funny sometimes.

You're so cool.

You are the ghostest with the mostest.

I'm right there with you man. I've really never understood teh attraction to a guy that can't pick you up, throw you over his shoulder, and carry you upstairs for a night of lovin. besides, who wants to rest there head on protruding bone? Pudge = soft pillow. nuff said

i'm thin, dark-haired, have a six pack, and rarely get ass - and when i do, it's from girls with Issues (TM)

Yeah, fucking a.

Usually, this type of stuff is expressed by the seagoth chicks. "Skinny girls have ruined my life." I have to admit, I wasn't /that/ shocked to hear it from Bjorn but I did find it aggravating.

Bjorn, this attitude of yours is a sickness. Life doesn't revolve around your girth. It doesn't. And contrary to popular belief, the standards for male sexual beauty revolve much more around attitude and confidance than they do around appearance. Your using your appearance (which is NOT unseemly, btw) as a shield for your shortcomings due to low self worth. Yes, most of your troubles are due to low self worth.

Look at these "skinny boys" you so desperately envy. Ignore their bodies and look at how they act, how they carry themselves, and how they behave around women. THAT is why they get the dates, Bjorn. It isn't because they are built like rails, it's because they likely radiate confidance and confidance is attractive.

Now look at yourself honestly. You stoop, you tend to not look women in the eye and (as I've noticed) often appear to talk to their chests because you're probably avoiding eye contact, you're often shy and withdrawn around women you like, and don't project your full potential. All of these things have nothing to do with what waist size your pants are, rather they have to do with the fact that you display how little you must think of yourself. Body language is a large portion of attraction, not your dimensions.

Remember way back when I told you that you behaved like a female cat and you responded by saying in a whiny tone "My girlfriend said the same thing." There is something telling in that. Women love cats, and from what I can tell they dig on female cats a lot. But as companions and sort of friends. That is probably one of the reasons you have issues with women, Bjorn. Because you behave, often times, like one of the girls. And I'm not condemning you for it. That is you and I'm not trying to change you at all. However, I do resent being fingered as the cause for your suffering.

Look to thine own eyes in most situations, Bjorn.

Excellent analysis; point taken.

Thanks. Hope I wasn't too harsh in my appraisal. It's never my intention to pull you down.

No, actually, I thought you did it really well and with great sensitivity. I was impressed, and not offended at all.

From one big guy to another: its all in the confidence. If you got's the eye o' the tiger, you'll get the tail.

It isn't because they are built like rails, it's because they likely radiate confidance and confidance is attractive.
Good point, but remember one thing: The former (being thing) tends to beget the latter (having confidance). Why? Because that's the way our culture is slanted. No big. Lemme tell you a story: I was at a party with my buds, and was chattin' up this girl. Full on confidence, making her laugh, feeling good. I ask her one question, "So, when you first saw me what was the first thing you thought of? Don't think, just answer!"

Her answer? "That you were fat."

My answer? "Alright, *sneer* nice talking to you (bitch)."

So, the fucked up thing is that even handsome, charming, and funny guys like myself get the brush-off. *shrugs* Not that I blame the Matchstick Men out there, I think you guys might have a gland condition. ;)

However, I do resent being fingered as the cause for your suffering.
What makes you think he was specifically talking about you, Vato?

Because I am one of the guys who are naturally thin.

Go ahead and bitch about the cultural slant, Tim, but I guarantee that I was beaten up far more in school than you. And you didn't see me walking around saying "Those fucking big kids are the cause of my suffering." No, you saw me learning how to street-fight in a manner that was twice as vicious as any big kid could muster. I did it because I wasn't willing to settle for self pity and accept my fate. What about that, Tim? I sure as hell didn't demand that the bullies see the error in their ways and pick on the big kids, which is basically what happens with this "Skinny people fucked my life up" bs.

And also keep in mind that everyone has body preference sizes. People who prefer overweight lovers are usually applauded as heroes. But people who like thinner people are villains. Fuck that, Tim. It's a load of shit and if you want to talk about a fucked up cultural slant you better start looking at all the angles because I, as a thin white male, am regarded by almost everyone as the face of evil. So fuck your cultural slant, I dont have any sympathy for it because I've been fucked around as well and I'm betting that your nose isn't crooked from being repeatedly broken.

Everyone gets fucked around regardless of body size or whatever. Shifting blame, especially shifting it on me, simply because you aren't willing to play the hand you are dealt is something that annoys the shit out of me.

Actually, I don't hold anything against skinny guys. I was more annoyed at the girls who were going for them over me.

Relax. Seemed like I pushed a button.

I never said that "skinny people fucked up my life". That's a load. I'm also not wallowing in self-pity. In the story I told you, I brushed off the chick and enjoyed myself for the rest of the evening.

As far as my nose, its not broken because I know how to handle a fight, and I'm lucky. Its not for lack of a fist aimed at it. Not because I'm a thin white male, but because I'm a minority. *shrug*

"Always WHINING, Louie!"

Lemme tell you a little story, 'cause I dunno how else you're going to get this through your tawny head.

Once upon a time, in my youth, I went to a vampire game with a bunch of older college students. For the first time in my life, I was surrounded by folks who not only accepted me for who I was, but they actually enjoyed my company and asked me to come around more often. I loved them all and had a great time.

But one of the best things about gaming for gothling me was that there was a bevy of highly attractive young men for me to drool over. Most were attached or otherwise unavailable, and often I myself had a boyfriend, but that didn't stop me from admiring the stock, as it were.

A few of them were very much unlike the others, and I picked them out as my favorites. You, yes you, were in that group. Yes Bjorn, I thought you were very sexy. You know why? Because the character you were playing was reserved, yet forceful. Decadent, yet almost aescetic. But most alluring of all was his most obvious characteristic, his conscious recognition of his own power.

I got to know you better after my initial introduction to the group and was amazed at how different you were from your character. You whined a lot, as you do now. I still think you're neat, but you certainly aren't attractive to me anymore.

Now, I realize what you were doing was simply playing a role. But all you did was dash into a telephone booth and put on a vest and a clan pin and tadaaaa, you're Superventrue. So obviously it isn't that hard for you to be a self-confidant man who's in charge of himself and his surroundings, if only for a few hours every week. The next step is to shake all this girly bullshit you've saddled yourself with so that THAT part of you, whatever you were using as a source for that character, can surface for real.

Exhibit B, of course, is James Gandolfini, probably one of the sexiest men working in Hollywood today. Why? Raw self-confidance. He's fat, ugly, sweaty, bald. But it doesn't mean shit, because he still manages to soak the panties of millions of HBO viewers every week.

So pull yourself together. You have one up on Gandolfini, in that you are actually a physically attractive gothic man as opposed to being a flabby mafioso.

Next step is making yourself believe it.

And stop fucking blaming skinny people. It's fucking repulsive when people blame other body sizes for their shortcomings, but I think Jamie covered that aspect already.

You're echoing a lot of things that Steph has said to me, but I needed to be reminded of it. It's true, and I thank you very much for taking the time to say it to me.

yes, yes, james gandolfini...mmmmmmm....

I linked over here from

inevitabilitys journal. I think we've met, like once. And I remember thinking you were definitely humpable if it wasn't for all the whining. I agree with the James Gandolfini analysis.

It's pretty easy to blame it on other people. I spent a good deal of my life with a chip on my shoulder. I thought thin people hated me because I was fat. Guess what? They hated me because I was a bitch to them because I assumed they hated me. It's a vicious circle. Everyone has problems - especially finding love. And skinny people have just as many problems but its even harder for them because they don't get the excuse "I didn't get the promotion/date/etc because I'm fat", they have to find another reason.

And sometimes the skinny kid gets so skinny he actually becomes physically ill and then the girl leaves him because he's always sick and therefore never much fun.

I was rereading old journal stuff and came across this post again. After having spoken to you again at Tara's party I really felt the need to pipe up.
Not all women prefer skinny men.
Matter of fact I distinctly DO NOT prefer them, I should have given you a moment to speak with my friend Janine when she was here, she had known the last few men that I have dated and could tell you stories..(well maybe I'm a little happy she had very little story telling time while she was here... :P)
I am very much attracted to large men, and not just large as in tall. In the book The Godfather, the phrase they use for the older powerful men, the older dons is "Men with belly." It meant strength. I find larger men incredibly attractive, and I know that I am not the only woman that feels that way..
I actually dug through an old 100 things about Jenga list and I wrote:

17. I could never find a man attractive that I could snap over my knee.
from
http://www.livejournal.com/talkread.bml?journal=theda&itemid=199151

Here's the deal daddy-o, find the right girl.. Be in the right state of mind to recognize her when she shows up.
Go from there.

bjorn, bjorn, bjorn...i know that i'm the last person you want to hear it from, but generally, women do not prefer skinny men. it's not really an outside issue, and i think that most people with any amount of intelligence recognize that. i've been duped before into thinking that someone acually liked me when they really just wanted to get me in bed. at first, i said, 'fucking body, why do you have to be all skinny and cultural whatever,' but then i realized that it's not the outside. hell, i've gained weight; there's plenty of girls skinnier than me now, but you know what, i still attract a good amount of people. some of them i find interesting and some i don't. i think that i, as a girl, might realize more when someone is interested because guys do have a tendency to be a little more obvious. so, you never know how many girls might be interested and for whatever reason, the message is not getting across. and let me say this, who ever these girls that are only interested in skinny guys are, they are obviously shallow. that's how it works. i'm not saying this as any sort of mightier-than-they (?) sort of thing, i've done it too, but really, honestly, think about it. maybe part of the problem is that you set other people up so often that you are constantly surrounded by people that are together and it gets a little bothersome. just remember this, though, no matter how lonely you feel when you're single, it's much worse if you're with someone you shouldn't be with...

But Katie, the reason that you get so many people attracted to you regardless of your body type is simply because...

YOU'RE EASY!

Hehehehehe!!!

::runs away::

beautiful entry!

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rant: matchmaking

Gawd, Right on!

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RAR.

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the view from the other side

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Remember me?

from one of the skinny kids

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surfer