still stuck in hell

i didn't get the job.

i didn't get the FUCKING job.

they said i did great in the interview and clearly had a serious committment to f5, but that they found someone who had more skills and experience more specific to the position. (and in this job market i can easily believe that...).

they said that they still want to look at me for other positions, particularly if any should open on the edge-fx team (which is where i worked before). they'll know whether they're going to be hiring anyone in the next year or so by the end of this month.

...all this aside, i'm practically hysterical. i'm a quivering wreck of a human being. how much longer am i going to be stuck here in limbo? how much longer do i have to go through this?

i am more conscious now than ever of mortality. every day that i am stuck here is another day that could have been very different -- that could have been spent living the life that i want to lead. and we only get so many days. and call me selfish but i want to feel them all, enjoy them all.

i wanted so badly for this summer -- the summer that just ended -- to be young and rich and free. it wasn't. oh, no, it wasn't. there were a few brilliant moments, to be sure, but there was nothing, nothing that wouldn't have been improved by having a job in my industry. by being able to move the fuck back out of my parents' house.

how much longer do i have to waste time this way? how much longer do i have to live with my parents, who will surely drive me insane before long? i'm no good to any employer if their fights and their restrictions wear me down into a nervous breakdown.

i feel angry and sad and very, very tired.

i am so sick of this.

(no subject)

Here's what the sparkmatch test that kali took had to say about me. I am amused.

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Dependent Evil
Sex Provider

The ultimate sexual contradiction. You're quite dirty, and very into carnal excavation, but you also have a soft romantic side. And, honestly, THAT side is itself conflicted--you're needy and giving at the same time. It's like you need to need to give to need. What's that all about?

I admire the unscalable heights of your lust; I myself wish I had a height that size, but all the same, you don't seem to be using that lust wisely. A more moral and independent person would be having mind-blowing sex with the woman I love right now. Instead, your physical potential is hindered by two things: an innate desire to do what you're not supposed to, and this strange clinginess that you seem to mistake as heartfelt romance. Come off it.

I like that you seem to have a sensitive side, but be sincere about it. For instance, don't tell some girl you like ponies, if really you don't like ponies. Admit who you are, a horny guy, and the good qualities you have--devotion, compassion, and nutrition--will have real value.